The Morning After
by uwprincess
Summary: JD on the morning after, and then the months after.
1. The morning after

"At least I woke up first" she thought to herself as she gathered her various belongings that were haphazardly scattered around the room. "Thank GOD I woke up first!" she amended her statement with a slight shake of her head. She grasped tightly at the sheet she wore around her body feeling somewhat embarrassed about the morning light coming through the half drawn curtains. While the chiffon layer that always seems present in the finer hotel chains (or even dumpy ones like this) was drawn, Donna couldn't help but feel somewhat on edge about the possibility of being seen in this room, not to mention being seen by the occupant. With that thought she turned and glanced at Josh who was still dead to the world in the king size bed. He had his pillow covering most of his head, however Donna could see the contented smirk he was wearing while he dreamed.

She wanted at that moment more than anything to crawl back into the bed and be with him. She wanted so much to resume her place in his arms, her head nuzzled to his body and her hair falling across his chest. He had smelled so, so good. She was familiar with his scent, of course, but never before had it danced in her nostrils for the hours that it did last night, growing stronger and mixing with her own to give her as intimate an encounter as possible. She loved Josh, that was all there was to it and last night should have been one of the greatest of her life. But now, only hours later, it was quickly becoming her biggest regret.

She sighed audibly but not loud enough to disturb the sleeping beauty in the room. She turned and headed for the bathroom, too afraid to dress in front of him, whether he was conscious for it or not. As she pulled on her jeans and t-shirt (there would be time for undergarments later) Donna suddenly realized that she wasn't certain of where she was.

The hotel chain was clearly printed on the small soaps and shampoos throughout the bathroom, but being from out of the area the somewhat cheesy sounding alliteration could have indicated a foreign nation for all she knew. "I guess I'll worry about that problem when I get out of the room" she thought to herself. Gathering her hair into a ponytail she took a brief second to study her face in the mirror. She looked worn out. She thought briefly to the moment last night when Josh had asked her to take her hair down. She remembered how his hand felt as he placed it on her left cheek and followed her hairline as he traced his fingers along her neck and shoulder. She closed her eyes momentarily as she tried to recall every second of the heated moment and when she did open them again she noticed the flush in her cheeks and a warm glow painting her features.

The endearing effects of the flashback were brief because as she turned to exit the bathroom Donna realized she would soon have to exit the hotel. She prayed momentarily that she wouldn't see any of Josh's co-workers. It was still fairly early, most of them probably wouldn't be milling around the lobby at this hour but still the idea of running into one caused the pit in her stomach to ache.

There were other reasons for aching that morning as well. As quietly as possible she swung open the bathroom door and made her way to the edge of the bed. Sitting briefly on the end, Donna gazed at the one man in her life who she felt truly was her second half. If she was being honest, it was more like she was his second half. Donna loved being the one to complete the hopeless mess that is Josh Lyman. She loved anticipating his moves and reading his eyes or gestures (she loved how he accused her of reading his mind). She loved being across the room at a party and knowing how upon his entrance he would act confident and prepared, but in the back of his mind he was on guard. She loved that he would glance around the room and upon finding her gaze, immediately walk a little taller, grin a little wider, shake hands a little more vigorously. She loved that after a while of his hobnobbing, Josh would find his way to her side. He would find ways to touch her, either on the arm, or around her waist, or most often placing his palm on the small of her back to walk with her around the room. The two of them would spend much of the evening together, telling jokes or exchanging ideas. Others would join them, they would act focused and attentive to the third party but both would be willing that person to move on, to leave them be to their usual banter. When the event would wrap up, Josh would insist that they do a little bit more work in the office, but the truth would be that he wasn't ready for the night to end. He would untie the bowtie she had worked so hard on and she would pull back her hair or take off her shoes and they would get down to business. By the time he drove her home she would be exhausted, but radiant from spending an evening with him.

She USED to spend those types of evenings with him. Last night, however, had been a different story. The formal event, held at some convention center in the middle of America, was about showing off the respective democratic nominees for the Presidency. She and Josh had not passed the time with banter and jokes but rather spent time avoiding eye contact and awkward encounters. When he first arrived he had approached the coat check just in time to see her removing hers, revealing a sexy little number if she says so herself, and she'd seen him do a quick spin turn into the ballroom, left lugging his coat around for half the night. She would have found that amusing if it hadn't made her so sad. Later she had walked up to the bar not realizing he was two people over and practically spilled her drink dashing away. So now, hours later, how had she ended up in his bed? Donna felt herself tearing up as she thought of the answer.


	2. The night before

He had come to her door. She had ridden back to her hotel, back with the enemy to enemy camp, and Josh had followed. She was in the middle of changing into her jeans and t-shirt when she heard the knock. Assuming it was Will, she started going over the events of the evening before she even opened the door. She was shouting that "Russell had done well" and she had "only heard the stupid squinting joke four times" so that when she opened the door she did not even glance up but simply invited in the visitor. Josh had entered the room without comment.

She was just finishing pulling her shirt down so that he was able to catch a glimpse of her bare skin right above her where her hip hugger jeans began and he had to remind himself to breath. She walked right past him into the bathroom still shouting away, "Now I know you said you were in the mood for Indian food but I just don't think I could stomach it, and I saw what looked to be a relatively clean Chinese place a block and a half over so if it is all the same to you I say we just go there. And don't try and give me some Eastern Philosophy crap about why I crave Chinese just shut up and go with me Will." By this time Donna had entered the bathroom, exchanged the 27 bobbi pins holding her hair up for one rubber band and slid on her backless sneakers. All the while Josh remained frozen in the entryway of her cheap hotel room feeling a mixture of jealousy and rage that she would conduct herself with such informal behavior around Will. **WILL** for crying out loud! Josh had never trusted that guy and now here was Donna letting who she suspected was Will into her hotel room at all hours of the night and propositioning him to go to dinner. It was enough to make Josh sorry he had come.

Sorry, that is, until Donna emerged from the bathroom with the same whisking manner that she had entered it only to stop dead in her tracksat the discovery of Josh Lyman standing in her room. "Josh!" she exclaimed while throwing her hands over her chest and bending forward ever so slightly in an effort to catch her breath. "What the hell are you doing here?" Donna questioned with a look of shock and apprehension that made Josh break into a dimpled grin despite the ackwardness of the situation.

"That happy to see me, huh?" His hands were stuffed deep into the pockets of his coat (the same one he had carried around for half the night) and as he made the comment about her pleasure (or displeasure to see him) he looked down at his feet and then back up at her with an expression she couldn't help but read as flirtatious.

"I just wasn't expecting to see you." Donna answered with sincerity and a hint of coolness in her voice.

"Yeah, I got that, you were expecting Will. Tell me Donna, do you always let people into your room with little regard for their true identify?" Josh's comments came out as accusations and Donna immediately resentedhis hostility.

"Actually Will just called a minute ago, we are going to dinner. I am actually surprised he's not here yet. Was there something I could help you with before I go?" Donna knew it was harsh but she couldn't help it. "Who does he think he is?" she thought to herself. "What does he want with me?"

"Ahhh, no." Josh replied again looking down at his feet. "I don't really need anything," he shrugged, hishands still deep in his pockets, "I just wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I thought you looked nice tonight and that if you had stayed at the bar for a moment longer then maybe I could've bought you a drink." He made the comment to tease her, she felt as though she was being mocked.

"Is that what bosses do for their old assistants?" Donna questioned callously, not allowing herself to be fazed by his compliments and building a wall further between them. The casual reference to their relationship hurt his feelings but he continued on, eager to get through to her.

"I don't know _Donna_, but that is what _I _wanted to do for _you_. Why you gotta make this so hard? I thought you said you didn't want this to be a thing?" Josh's voice had raised several octaves and he was pleading with Donna, searching for any sign of the way she used to be.

The moment was interrupted by a knock at the door. "That's probably Will." Donna stated as she moved past Josh and towards the door. He turned sideways so that she could pass by and he closed his eyes as he felt her body brush past him, as her scent drifted by under his nose.

Donna opened the door halfway to greet Will in the hallway.

"Hey you still up for that Indian food?" came his eager voice from the hall.

Josh couldn't help but scoff at the man's pitiful attempt. "Donna doesn't like curry", he thought to himself, "what an idiot."

Josh remained frozen and silent in Donna's room waiting for what she'd say next. He was relived when he heard her decline Will's invitation. The man sounded genuinely disappointed, but Donna game him a small pep talk before sending him on his way. She closed the door and walked slowly back towards Josh, circling him before stopping directly in front of him, looking down at his shoes.

"So what's going on?" Now it was her turn for her questions to sound accusatory.

"Nothing." Josh answered as nonchalantly as possible.

"Nothing?" She immediately sounded angry. "I just turned down a perfectly good dinner date and you're going to tell me that this is nothing?

"Is that what that was?" Josh shrieked incredulously and motioned towards her door, "a date?" He spat the last words like nails.

"So what if it was?" She threw her hands in the air and turned to flop on the bed and it was so cute that Josh felt some hope that he might get his old Donna back. He also noticed that shewas a little tipsy.

"So what if it was a date Josh?" she continued "What do you care? I don't work for you, so it won't interfere with my typing, and it won't interfere with the amount of hours that you have me in the office because I am no longer in your office!" She spoke indignantly and looked like a small child pitching a fit.

"I know." He replied, "I know you aren't in my office anymore. I know that you don't spend hours with me anymore. That is actually kinda the reason I am here." He said this while moving around and taking a seat on the edge of her bed. He said it slowly but it still felt as if he was ripping off a band aide."I miss you, Donna." He looked expectantly at Donna for a response.

Hours later he was getting all kinds of responses from her. He was pleased that she had let him take her back to his hotel. For one thing he could put the champagne and strawberries on his bill and not hers, also there was the matter of the kingsized bed. Never in his life did he think he could enjoy a woman as much as he enjoyed her. It was love, true love and as he slept he thanked God over and over again that he had worked up the nerve to go see her. Now he could see her for as long as he lived!

"If I could just find her in this huge bed," he thought to himself as he began groping around the sheets to find her. "Donna?" he asked aloud after an unproductive search. He popped open one eye to survey the room.

"Donna?" In the dim morning light, it seemed to him that she was gone.


	3. The right now

Gone, out of his room but not quite out of his hotel Donna slipped as furtively as possible around the ficus plant in the lobby of the Howard Houston Inn. She still had no clue what part of town she was in; heck, she could barely remember what town she **was** in thanks to all the campaign stops in the great US of A. All the rooms looked the same, and all the sheets had the same starchy feeling to them, but somehow last night one of the nondescript rooms became the site of what Donna feared would be the worst mistake of her life. Seems fitting to her that it should happen like this, her barely even able to remember the details of the hotel, only that it was cheap- the same way she felt.

She wished she could just forget it all, but she knew she never could. Josh had come to her door. He had said things to her that were both complimentary and sweet, but now in the morning light she fears he was just trying to hire her back. Donna felt a wave of nausea pass over her as she thought her actions. She had been so lonely, spent so many nights thinking of him and wishing she were near him, and remembering the close moments they had shared in the past. But in all those moments Josh had never blatantly crossed the line of professionalism with her. He had done a lot of things that were unprofessional, but he had never made any sort of sexual advancement towards her, and heaven only knows he had plenty of opportunities.

Then last night out of nowhere when they clearly have been drinking and clearly were exhausted from the rigors of campaign and the fatigue of travel, clearly were not even playing for the same team, she had THROWN herself at him. She remembered the shocked look on his face as she had sat up from her sprawl across her bed and met his lips with force and intensity. At the moment it had seemed so right but now she couldn't remember if he had even kissed her back? She remembers he tried to speak and she shushed him, increasing her advances and pushing her chest into his upper body. Eventually she knows he gave in, he began to tear at her and grasp her closer and harder. Then she had laid back, trying to coax him with her and he had resisted, mentioned his hotel and she had hopped up, indicating that she would follow. Did he seem pleased? She struggled to remember but could not. Donna was convinced that she had made a terrible mistake, convinced she would never be able to get over it.

In her rush to follow him, it was lucky that Donna had remembered her hotel cardkey with Lazy Days Inn printed clearly across the top. Without this vital piece of plastic she would be making an embarrassing phone call to Will Bailey. The idea of anyone finding out about this filled Donna with terror and made her even more eager to get away. She was about to steal across the lobby to the service counter to request a way to get back to her depressing room, apparently at the Lazy Days Inn, when she saw a taxi pull up in the circular drive and a passenger hop out.

"PERFECT!" she exclaimed, as the prospect of escaping this Inn unnoticed seemed to be close at hand. She took off quickly into the center of the lobby with her head down and her legs determined to make it to the cabbie before he took off. That's when it happened, she ran right into Leo McGarry!

"Donna, good morning." Leo's gruff voice showed both genuine surprise and pleasure at literally bumping into the woman. Apparently he had been as focused on a file in hand as Donna was on her escape.

"Hi, Leo," Donna began as the small amount of color she did have drained from her face and she looked as though she had been busted by her parents for coming in after curfew. Donna suddenly became conscious of the bra and underwear she was clutching to her chest and after pulling them into an even tighter grasp, she tried to stand a little taller and pretend like everything was normal.

"I didn't realize both campaigns were staying at one place?" Leo's attempt at small talk sounded like an accusation to Donna. She immediately went into the political mode of spinning a story and shot back with all the poised confidence in the world,

"No, no we're not, I just had a few issues to go over with the Santos staff. I thought the earlier I get them out of the way the better, so I came over here straight away this morning and now I am headed back to the Russell camp to deliver the news!" Donna ended her little speech with a nod of her head and the punching of her fist into the air before her with a determined spirit.

Leo looked extremely doubtful but decided not to push it by simply saying "Well, I hope Russell is paying you well to be sacrificing sleep and personal grooming time to work on his campaign."

Donna continued her confident front and simply added as if she were an old political player catching up with a friend: "Well Leo, we don't go into politics for the money now do we?" She started to chuckle as if she had said something genuinely witty and motioned towards the cab outside- "It was nice talking with you, Leo, but I really do gotta go."

She turned to beeline it out of the lobby when Leo called her name, "Donna?"

"Yeah?" Donna turned around trying to maintain her confidence even though she knew that she stood before Leo looking exactly like someonewho just rolled out of bed.

"It was really nice to see you, a lot of people missed you when you left."

A small smile passed across Donna's face and her shoulders relaxed just a little. "Thanks Leo, I really, really miss everyone too."

They held their gaze for a moment before they both turned and Donna jogged out to the cab that was about to leave the curb.

Leo turned and made his way to the elevator bank. Just as he reached to press the "up button" the elevator doors in front of him parted to reveal a rumpled Josh, bouncing anxiously in the elevator and glancing out to take in the entire lobby. The man was so focused that he didn't even notice that it was Leo he was pushing past until the older man spoke,

"Josh, you just missed her."


	4. The too late

Missed her was right. Josh missed her his whole life until he met her. The day she came into the Nashua office he had considered one of the best days of his life. At around 11:55 last night he determined that yesterday was going to top the list, and he had been so looking forward to this morning until he awoke to find her gone.

"Leo" The greeting was both a question and a statement. "Hi"

Josh put his arm up to hold the elevator doors for the man and indicated that Leo should step in. "You're not coming up with me, Josh?" Leo questioned him knowingly.

"No, I was…uhhhh…just coming down to…uhhhhh…" Josh rubbed the back of his head and struggled to find a lie to tell to this man he couldn't lie to.

"Seriously, Josh, you missed her. I saw her get into a cab myself."

Josh's attention immediately shot to the empty driveway where he stared intently as if he were confused by the vacant pavement outside.

In a trance Josh stepped back into the elevator.

Leo at least somewhat spared both he and Josh from the awkwardness of the situation by not brining it up. It really wasn't any different from what he and the entire White House staff had done for years; ignoring what was obviously an insane amount of chemistry between two individuals who refused to see it. Leo knew Josh would be resistant to explain and he really didn't feel like torturing the man beyond the look of dejection he already possessed.

So he and Josh rode the elevator up to the Santos level in silence with Josh standing stiff as a statue and staring past the elevator buttons. When the doors parted Leo said "See ya" and stepped out. Josh responded with a nod of his head and walked in the opposite direction to his now empty room. He opened the door and entered the bathroom taking in his appearance. Josh felt as though he was going to cry- either cry or throw his hand through a window. Either way it wouldn't change last night or, more accurately, this morning. "She's left me again." He thought sadly to himself.

Donna looked at herself across town in the bathroom mirror of her own hotel room. Her run in with Leo had left her flustered and it took her two attempts to recite her hotel's proper name when she got into the cab (she thinks the first one she named was back in Cleveland which CLEARLY confused the cabbie). The ride had taken a little over a half an hour, a time span that Donna had failed to notice last night when she rode back to Josh's hotel making out like a teenager in the back of a staffed campaign car. She felt that the pungent aroma of the cab was the perfect scent to be left lingering on her body as she began to strip down for her shower. She prayed that she wouldn't smell Josh, prayed that she could forget the night's activities. "I've left him again." She thought sadly as she began to cry. Donna sobbed in the shower as the warm water flowed down her hair and back. What had she been thinking?


	5. the moving on

It was more then lucky for Josh that the night before was the last in this city. He would've had to get a new room, probably had to get a new hotel, if he was forced to sleep alone in that bed. He had cried in the shower. He had pretended that he wasn't crying, pretended that the shower was the only flowing water but his eyes were red as he got out and they stayed that way for most of the day. He had thrown all of his things in his bag and brought it downstairs to the staff meeting. People were concerned when they thought they were leaving earlier then planned and several panicked staffers questioned his decision to bring his stuff.

The truth was of course that he couldn't bare to step foot in the room. He said he just wanted to focus on work and that everyone would still have time to pack up before the evening flight. He laughed bitterly to himself at how his actions influenced so much on this campaign. He had so much power over so many people and yet the one he wanted more then anything apparently wanted nothing to do with him.

His mood for the day was pretty normal. He was quite and solemn but when asked a question he would respond with perfect political strategy and when he heard a bad idea he still had the strength to shout in horror at whatever campaign staffer had dared to speak it. That was how he functioned both that day, and the 3 weeks that passed since it happened.

He started to question whether it really did occur. He started to question if it had all just been this dream that he had one night, and that unlike all the others dreams he'd had with her in it, this one was just more real and realistic. There were a few times when he'd see Leo at some function or another and he would want to ask: Was I there? Were you there that morning? Was she really there?

He was too afraid of the answers to even speak to him.

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Donna wasn't any better. Her campaign team had stayed an extra day at the Lazy Days Inn over a half an hour away from what she liked to refer to as "ground zero". This was fine because it meant Donna actually slept in the bed that the Russell campaign had paid for. She wouldn't want to waste the "Bob's Boulders" money or anything. She prayed to God that no one knew she hadn't been there the night before (no one but Josh of course). No one had seemed to notice any sort of change in her. She was determined not to let the event change her. "After all", she would reason to herself, "I have had one-night stands before, I have had "tipsy sex" before, I have even had sex in cheap hotel chains before". This was no big deal. At least that is what she told herself over and over again: it was just sex, it was just that one time, it is no big deal.

As the weeks went by Donna felt herself more and more drained from the campaign trail. The Democratic convention was just around the corner and she honestly didn't think she was going to make it. She felt as though her heart wasn't in it anymore (like it was left behind at the Howard Houston Inn) and the only thing that could make it better was fried chicken. She was eating a worrisome amount of fried chicken. She stopped drinking coffee even though she was exhausted because it left a strange taste in her mouth and the straw that broke the camels back for the entire Russell staff was when they had to pull the bus over for the third time in a four hour time frame for Donna to use the rest room.

Will had told her to go back to D.C. to get some rest and to join them when the real campaign kicked off. He told her they would need her wit and wisdom to defeat Vinick and that she may be the secret weapon to get Josh to help them out once Santos went down in flames. What Will had meant to be a little joke caused the color to fade from Donna's face and she almost past out. Will demanded that she go to the doctor and Donna said she would.

She lied. She went home and sat on her couch for two weeks working from her apartment crafting strategy and watching debates and speeches from all of the candidates. She worked harder in DC then she did on the bus since most of the time traveling was spent goofing off. At home Donna was focused and had a bathroom nearby. She decided that it was perfect fit.

On the third night of the Democratic Convention she sat on her couch and cried her eyes out. She wasn't sure exactly sure why she was so emotional, she didn't love Russell or anything (hmm love). She guessed she was a mess because she didn't know where her life was heading. Two days after that she had a pretty good idea that it was heading towards certain disaster. She was walking out of her doctor's office with the positive test results and spotted the one and only Josh Lyman out strutting the streets. He saw her, she knows he did, and he pivoted right there on his heels and took off the other way. Donna blinked back the tears and turned to go home to an apartment she would be giving up within the month.


	6. The waiting too long

I saw her first. I know I did. I was walking down the familiar streets of D.C. just minding my own business. Need I remind you that that business just happen to be Campaign Manager for the dark horse Democratic Candidate that won the bid for the Presidency of the United States? I could say that I was feeling good, very good. I was feeling so good in fact that when I saw her emerge from that building I had every intention of strutting right up to her and planting a big one right on her lips. Sure, she had abandoned me, sure she had been working for the enemy, sure she had shared one mind-blowing night of lovemaking with me only to leave me high and dry and reeling for weeks after, but I was a new man and I was willing to put the past behind us and move on.

At least I thought I was ready until she turned and locked her gaze on me and I almost passed out at the intensity of the emotions I felt. It was anger and resentment and love and passion and hatred and desire and longing so fast and so hard in my chest that I just had to turn away. I turned so quick and so fast that I was practically running up the street and the only coherent thought I could assemble was that maybe she hadn't seen me. I knew, of course, that she had, but I also knew that I couldn't face her and didn't know if I ever could. I could hear Toby in the background of my thoughts telling me to "BE a MAN" but how could I be the man when I was the victim?

That day on the street wasn't the first time I wanted to forgive and forget. I thought about her often and I always thought it was odd that I hadn't seen her with the Russell campaign trail for weeks. I figured she was just trying to avoid me and I didn't really have the time to track her down. After my victory, or the Santos Campaign Victory, I had gone to the Russell staff headquarters with a beer to share with Donna and Will but she wasn't there. Will told me she had gone home, that she hadn't been feeling well. I went back to my room and drank the three beers myself. I hadn't been feeling so great myself and I was pissed at her for taking time off. I was just plain pissed, and just plain pathetic.

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You know how sometimes you have something you know you have to do but you just keep putting it off? You know, like you have laundry to do, or dishes in the sink, or it's dusty in your apartment or you have to notify the father of your child that you are expecting? If you are anything like me, you know you should really do those things, but you just can't seem to find a way to get up off the couch and do them. ESPECIALLY now that you feel exhausted almost ALL the time and you are constantly scrounging around your cabinets looking for something salty to spread on something sweet or vice versa!

It has been 7 ½ months. I know that is awful but let me break it down for you: Josh and I "hooked up" or whatever the kids are calling it these days. It was the best moments of my life until I panicked in the morning and realized he was probably only after me for a job. I bolted. Three weeks later I left the campaign trail out of exhaustion and bladder control issues and ended up working the next two from home where I plunged forward in the very un-valiant effort to nominate Bob Russell. Three days into the Democratic Convention, I was "off the hook" so to speak and finally made an appointment with the doctor because I was feeling slightly off: tired, weepy and there was that minor detail of missing a period. Now here is where everything you have ever learned in any embarrassing health class, or any biology class or even any anatomy class in college when you were considering a physiology major, should kick in to tell you that pregnancy is a possibility when you have unprotected sex and have missed a period. Apparently my mind doesn't work that way. Two days later I was informed that maybe it should have been working a little harder.

And it was, of course as fate would have it, on that very day that I spotted Josh and as a sense of joy and relief and possible excitement and guilt and nausea all poured over me at once, he turned and hightailed it out of my line of vision faster then my uterus could follow. The thing that bothered me the most was that I couldn't read his face, I didn't recognize the man aside from his physical attributes. I feel like I don't know him, and so I feel like I don't know how to tell him.

That was the middle of the month and as I stated before I gave up my apartment and left the DC area within the next two weeks. NOW, don't freak out. I didn't go back to Wisconsin, I went to Maryland. That can almost not even be considered a move.

The move was necessary, you see, because I didn't really want people to see me out and about and, you know, pregnant. I got two jobs, one as a research assistant at Columbia Union College and one as a librarian for a state library. I thought that was pretty funny and often wished I could joke with Josh about being the old lady with the bun in her hair. You see, I don't hate Josh. I am angry because I threw myself at him that night and left in the morning and have never had one conversation with him about it yet, however I am well aware of the fact that it takes two to tango.

Right now the two that are tangoing are me and this small amateur soccer player that keeps attacking my tummy. I swear this little one is going for the world record of having the strongest leg muscles upon arrival.

Since I left the immediate DC area I have not had any run-ins with anyone who would feel the need to discuss my pregnancy (so I am basically saying no reporters). There have been a few senators who knew me on a professional level and probably assumed I was married and already had 3 kids. I would run into them and they would call me Debbie or Deloris or even Ginger by mistake and comment that I looked ready to explode. That usually made me feel GREAT!

As for my family they know the blessed news and are excited, I guess, although the details of the Dad and my plans always seemed to come up right when I had to get off the phone. Pity, isn't it? They seemed to be under the impression that the father of my child and I are engaged and that there will be wedding bells anytime now. I don't if "wishful thinking" even begins to describe their deliria.

Most of my associates from the White House usually didn't even have time to call their mothers much less me so I never feel like I am LYING to anyone by not telling them, I am just not making a point to seek them out and tell. In fact the only connection I do still have is the constant email relationship I've kept with Will. He and I write back and forth, pretty much every other day. He can't see me, and has never asked to, and I feel pretty safe assuming that my pregnancy can't be detected over the intranet, so his companionship keeps me going through the very difficult time with the added bonus of him remaining completely in the dark about my pregnancy (this seems to be a trend in my life).

I know I sound terrible. I know there is only one man who should be getting me through this difficult time. I just can't bring myself to go to him. As I go through the days reading about my baby's growing finger nails and developing nose I can't help but hope that the eyes are brown like the daddy's and that the hair curls…but I just can't bring myself to tell that Daddy. I think I feel like Josh doesn't deserve to know, that he never even admitted he wanted me and so why should he get to want our child? I don't know, maybe I am crazy or maybe it is just the hormones talking, but I still have a month and a half to decide what to do right?

Oh man, I don't feel so good, and what is this water pouring down my leg? Oh crap, I think my water just broke.

TBC


	7. the emergency

I shift slightly and take in the smell, the sounds and the lighting that at once confirm my suspicions of being in a hospital. I immediately feel nauseous. I struggle to open my eyes and turn my face towards the widow in my room. The first thought: am I in Germany? The second: am I ok? The answer to both I realize is no.

I struggle to move my arm and rub my stomach. MY STOMACH! An instinctual protective trait kicks in as I suddenly remember my baby. I am suddenly able to not only open my eyes, which up to this point had been a real struggle, but I quickly glance in panic around the room, moving my neck in ways two seconds ago I would've told you were impossible.That is when I see him. My heart feels like a thousand weights have been lifted and my body, which feels like it has been hit with a train, suddenly feels as if it could fly.

My tears began to flow freely as I watch Josh Lyman dance and sing and hold close a baby that I can only assume is ours. He is in the corner of the room cooing softly to my little girl swaddled in her pink blanket and wearing the free hat that is standard issue to all newborns. He sways back and forth and rocks her in his arms. I feel as though he must know, I feel like our family is beginning…

that must have been the drugs talking.

No sooner had I found my voice to speak and wasp Josh's name across the room did I witness his shoulders square and stiffen, his soft coos cease and a chill fill the room.

"Donna." He said with hurt and betrayal and anger evident in his soft but harsh voice.

"Your daughter is going to be fine".

Josh delivered that happy news with an unveiled bitterness.

"Ava" I heard myself responding. "Her name is Ava".

Instantly Josh's eyes filled with tears and he quickly approached the bed to place my baby girl at my side. He laid her on my chest and brining his hand to his eyes as his own chest heaved he choked out: "I hope you two are very happy."

The tears I had begun to cry continued to flow freely. Feeling like I couldn't possibly be alive because DEATH couldn't feel this bad I sat stunned in the hospital bed and watched as Josh turned, grabbed a coat from a chair and head towards the door.

"Josh?" I questioned with a shock that couldn't have been more evident if I had tried,

"Don't you have anything to say about this? Don't you feel anything at all?" I ask the questions evenly. I can't even believe I am coherent.

"What am I supposed to say, Donna?" He is immediately shouting, "What would you have me to say? I get a call in the middle of my evening from this voice telling me that Donna Moss, who lives in _Virginia_, has gone into labor while carrying boxes at her _library job_. She is in route to the hospital and would I give authorization for an emergency c-section and do I have any idea if she has allergies?"

His voice went up even higher at the end. I sit silently taking in the warmth from the beautiful baby at my side. I have pushed my hand through her blanket to feel all ten toes, counted all ten fingers and already recognize a dimple in her pale, alabaster skin. I feel as though I am floating above the room, I realize that I am completly removed from the most serial moment of my life.

I know it is not the drugs now, just shear, raw emotion.

"I almost hung up." Josh says hatefully. "I almost told the voice thatI didn't know that woman and the truth is I don't."

I listen knowing that I deserve everything he is saying. I listen wishing that I hadn't put this off, wishing that I hadn't left his room that morning, wishing so many things but mostly wondering if he knows. He gives no indication one way or the other. He just paces back in forth enraged and pulling his hand through his hair. I continue my exploration of this beautiful baby and stare with a sincere bewilderment at Josh Lyman.

"How dare you Donna." He spit. "How dare you leave me as your emergency contact, how dare you have an emergency!"

At that final shout he awoke our sleeping daughter. Above her screaming he stated matter-of-factly: "They were worried about her lungs but apparently they are doing just fine."

In the midst of his statement two nurses were throwing open the door to my private room and descending upon me like a tag team.

"We told you to call us as soon as she wakes" the chubbier one barked at Josh.

"I am sorry I got distracted" Josh was paralyzed watching the frenzy of nurse arms and legs moving at surprisingly quick speeds around my tiny room.

"Well, lil' missy" I think one of them is speaking to me, "You gave us quite a scare, but your little one here is quite a trooper and she pulled through like a champ."

"You mean WE pulled her through like a champ!" The other one jokes and the pained look on Josh's face as his eyes trace my numb stomach cause my hand to immediately move towards the bandages I am now aware of on my skin. It hadn't registered before but he said c-section. As I thought about it now I definitely didn't recall the counting or the pushing or any of the breathing and I realized that the last thing I remembered was the paramedics loading me into their ambulance and pulling out my cell phone to look for an emergency contact.

ICE- Josh Lyman, speed dial one.

I was trying desperately to remember anything more, trying to get rid of the nausea that was sweeping over me in waves and trying to grasp tightly to the warm bundle in my arms. The nurse was wrangling Ava away from me and Josh was watching with a very distant expression on his face. I started to get a little hysterical, asking "why are they taking my baby?" and "why are my legs so numb?" This moment can only be described as sheer terror. I felt like Josh was moving farther away even though he was standing right at the foot of my bed. I began to cry out for my baby. The nurses put something in my IV and as I immediately fell limp, I heard them turn to Josh and say: "She really shouldn't be alone."

"Ok." He answered with resolve and the final words I could hear as the nurses filled out were his in a soft and pleading tone: "Can you bring me back _her_ daughter?"


	8. the assumptions

Josh wished they would bring the baby in.

"Ava" he said aloud to himself and smiled. It didn't feel as akward to him when she was in the room. Now he just stood frozen at the end of Donna's bed watching her chest rise and fall and listening to the steady beat of her heart monitor. He must have stood there, eyes locked on her, looking but not really seeing, for over 40 minutes. They still hadn't brought the baby in. He had an overwhelming feeling of déjá vu, only he knew his memories were real, knew that he had once spent days waiting by her bedside. It was a whole other country, yet the hospital sounds and smells all seemed the same. That was the only thing that was the same.

He wasn't sure at which time in his life he had been more confused. That time in Germany was only a little while ago, but it felt like a decade. He thought to that scene, and many others that had played out between them.

"What am I doing here?" he wondered. He was awakened from his meditative state when her pain medication dispensed with a loud beep.

The answer came to him: "The nurse said she shouldn't be alone."

Josh realized that he needed to call her mom now.The thought filled him with discomfort and he realized that he couldn't really believe the situation. Just last night he had been conducting a strategy meeting when he got the call on his cell.

"Josh Lyman" he answered with his typical rushed voiced.

"Mr. Lyman, this is Tony Harris and I wanted to make you aware that we have Donnatella Moss in our ambulance in transit to the hospital."

That is how the phone conversation began. There was no warning to take a seat, no mention that this was a call regarding emergency information: it was just the facts. Josh remained on the phone with Tony answering in only one-word responses and sometimes nodding his head silently as if Tony could see him over the phone. When he hung up about a minute and half later, the entire room was focused on the now pale and rigid campaign manager.

"I have got to go" he stated barley above a whisper, "family emergency".

Josh was down the hall and out of the building before anyone had time to blink much less question the call. He sped to the hospital, not stopping for lights, and waited on the maternity floor as Donna went into surgery. He spoke with the doctors and listened to the updates, he allowed himself to be led to her room. It all happened on instinct. He had no real thought of his own, just simply his brain (and heart) telling him to make sure Donna was ok.

When his brain did return to full function, he knew he should call her mom, but he had no idea what to say, especially since the first time he thought of it was at 3:30 am and he did NOT want to wake up her sleeping family at home with this type of news. He was hoping she would wake up and be able to do it herself. In fact, that was Josh's plan, stay in the room until she was awake, put the cell in her hand and leave. Just as she had left him time and time again.

At that thought his anger and hurt returned and Josh felt the urge to walk out and leave her to wake up alone. After all, he reasoned bitterly to himself, the doctors had said she would be fine and she probably didn't want him there to begin with. It was possibly a mistake that he was listed in her contact info. He felt that she had been pretty clear that she wanted nothing to do with him.

He turned on his heels and made a move to the door but was met by an elderly nurse wheeling the baby in. There are few words to describe the emotions that overtook Josh at that moment. He tiptoed to crib where the baby lay as if he were on hallowed ground. The nurse, who must have assumed he was the father, asked how mom was doing and if he would like to hold the baby. This nurse must have dealt with a lot of first time Dads because she ignored his lack of response and gently led Josh over to the rocking chair, sat him down and handed him the baby, all the while disregarding the look of bewilderment on his face.

Josh felt his eyes well up with tears as he thought back to how wonderful Donna's daughter felt in his arms. She was such a delight and he spent an hour exploring how her tiny toes and fingers looked exactly like her mom's. When she started to get a little fussy, he got up from the rocker and moved around the room. He wasn't super familiar with babies, but for some reason this felt so right. He even began singing, which he assumes might have been what woke Donna.

He glanced back to her face now, and realized that he was going to need to go ahead and make that phone call. Rummaging through her bag he found her cell. He was a bit taken aback when he saw his number pop up on speed dial one, but then he assumed it was just by oversight, the same part of her brain that had forgotten to remove him as her emergency contact. He knew for sure that she was still on his speed dial one, not that he had any plans of calling her.

"Removing someone is just too much effort", he had thought to himself. "She'll come off when I get a new phone."

He finally found the number for the Moss residence in Wisconsin and hit send. Luckily Mrs. Moss was up. She answered the phone and Josh found himself delivering the news to her in much the same detached manner as Tony had given it to him. There were no pleasantries exchanged, he just got right down to it. He would pause as Mrs. Moss repeated the information to her husband; he tried not to hear the overwhelming worry and confusion in her voice. It was resolved that she would be on the next flight out there and right when Josh was about to hang up the phone he heard the room door open behind him.

Josh turned to see Will Bailey stick his head in the room with worry evident on his face.

Josh's eyes grew round with surprise and his silence caught Mrs. Moss off guard.

"Josh, Josh are you still there?"

He heard the voice in his ear and as he nodded to Will that he should come in Josh returned his attention to the phone.

"Yeah…yeah I am right here, maybe I will see you soon."

"Ok Josh, I just have one question for you, is the Father there?" Mrs. Moss hadn't asked a lot of questions but it suddenly occurred to her that this one was a good one.

Josh answered with the same amount of uncertainty with which she had asked the question: "Yeah, I think so… I think he just showed up."

He closed the phone and he and Will, who had wandered over by Donna's side, locked eyes.


	9. The false realizations

For a significant amount of time, Josh felt as if the world was standing still. His eyes had glazed over and he was again looking but not seeing anything in the room. He had ended the call with Donna's mother but the phone was still stuck to his ear. His mouth was slightly agape and he watched by the door as Will tenderly approached and touched the side of Donna's bed.

"Well of course it's Will Bailey" Josh thought to himself. How many times had he seen the two of them out to dinner? How evident was the concern in Will's voice when he spoke of Donna's "sickness" that forced her to leave the campaign trail? How else would Will have know to show up here this morning? The whole thing made sense in Josh's tired and overwrought brain and he stood frozen and upset until Will's voice broke the silence.

"What happened?" Will questioned with genuine concern evident in his voice.

"She…she's going to be fine…the baby is going to be fine." Josh was forcing his voice to speak, forcing the facts to come out like when Tony had first called him and he had called Donna's mother moments ago. He felt like a robot and more than anything he felt like he was intruding in this family's moment.

"I'll leave you two alone." Josh heard his voice but couldn't believe what he was saying. He had only been standing in the room with Will for about 45 seconds but in that time he had already formulated a plan to punch Will, grab Donna and the baby and drive to his Mom's house for safekeeping. He had already realized how badly he wanted that to be his family. As he stood in the room, however, convinced that Donna and Ava were Will's family, and that his little plan would bring certain shame to the Santos campaign, all he could do was tell himself to give it up and force his legs to move towards the door and out into the hall. He heard Will calling after him but Josh forced himself to keep going. He made surprisingly quick time down the hall not even glancing in the direction of the nursery where Ava slept contently. He was looking down at his feet when the elevator opened and he got on so quickly that he almost knocked over the other occupant inside.

"Well, fancy seeing you here." He heard the familiar voice say.

Josh was breathing so heavy at this point that he thought he must have imagined the statement over his gasps. However as his eyes peeled themselves from the elevator floor he sure enough found he was looking into the eyes of none other then Leo McGary.

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Thanks to everyone who wrote reviews and encouraged me to keep going, I am sorry it took me so long to update. I hope no one is upset by my use of Leo in the story. I had always planned for him to be sort of the "savior" of the piece and I thought it was a fitting tribute to John Spencer. I had this transitional scene written since before the news of his death and I decided I am just going to stick with it.


	10. the realization

All at once Josh felt the overwhelming conflicting needs to sob as well as "suck it up" for this father figure in his life. He thought about going in for a hug, but decided to just play it cool.

"Hey, Leo". He heard his somber tone although it was barley above a whisper. He put his hands uncomfortably in his pocket and watched the floors light up one at a time. The two men hadn't seen each other much on the campaign trail recently. Josh knew that Leo had some health tests scheduled to put the media at ease but day-to-day he hadn't kept track of his schedule. Josh assumed that is what the VP hopeful was doing now.

"Is everything ok?" Leo looked hesitantly at the younger man obviously sensing that things were not right.

"It's Donna." Josh spoke suddenly and quickly, unable to lie to Leo and wanting more then anything to get some stuff off his chest.

"Oh." Leo responded with surprise. "Donna Moss?"

Josh responded as he was suddenly reminded of the night in the White House when he told Leo that Donna was gone for the first time:

"_Donna left." He had begun. _

"_Donna Moss?" Leo had questioned as if there had been any doubt which Donna Josh meant. As if there had ever been any doubt at any time even what woman Josh would come to Leo to discuss. _

"_YEAH, Donna Moss!" Josh had felt like screaming. _

"_Did you piss her off?" Leo had asked. He was so calm, couldn't he understand what was going on? _

"_I don't know." Josh had answered. _

"_You see, I tried to tell you that people move on."_

Those words that Leo spoke all those nights ago still haunted Josh. He was pulled from the memory by Leo's next question:

"Is she alright?"

"She had a baby." Josh blurted out the statement and then went silent allowing both he and Leo to absorb the shock.

After a few beats Leo responded:

"Wow. Boy or girl?" Leo was conducting himself just as Josh would've guessed. He took all news with this fact-gathering-for-damage-control-response. It seemed to Josh that Leo had to ability to only think of the realistic fallouts and never the emotional toils.

"It's a girl." Josh answered as cool and unattached as possible.

"Is everyone all right?" Leo asked.

"Donna's going to be fine," Josh began, "they were really worried about Ava's lungs but it appears she is going to be alright too." Josh realized as he spoke the words aloud how relieved he was that both of them were going to be okay.

"Yeah, the lungs are usually an issue for the preemies." Leo began. "What was she, about7 ½ months along?"

Leo continued to speak but Josh was sort of in a daze. He hadn't actually heard the nurses mention an age but just the thought of Donna and 7 ½ months ago was enough to make him pause, "I was still on the trail then, **_she_** was still on the trail then."

Josh's math skills were reeling as in the background of his mind he could hear Leo going on and on about Mallory. He was saying something about the pride he felt when Mallory was born. He was telling Josh about how she was so beautiful in his arms and how connected he immediately felt. The Leo of fact and fiction from two seconds ago had suddenly turned to mush and his whole sappy speech ended when the elevator stopped on the first floor and Leo turned to Josh:

"You actually just missed her." He said.

"What?" Josh asked confused and suddenly flashing back at a million miles an hour to the hotel lobby of the Howard Houston Inn. Those words gave him a knot in his stomach so fast and so big that Josh wanted to check himself in to the hospital for medical tests.

"Mallory" Leo said, "You just missed Mallory."

"Oh, ok." Josh answered putting his hands on his knees and gasping for air.

"I know". Leo said, "I know it is a little overwhelming but you will do great. Congratulations Josh, your mom must be thrilled."

Leo was extending his hand to Josh who took it and shook it limply just as the elevator doors began to close and Leo made his way to the exit of the hospital. Josh was left alone in the elevator and with the overwhelming feeling that he may pass out. He reached up tentatively to push the maternity floor's button and rode in sheer shock and silence up to the 8th floor.

"7 ½ months" He thought. "Could it be true?"


	11. the confrontation

The elevator doors parted and Josh walked slowly down the sterile hallway of the maternity ward. He again passed the sleeping babies, Ava included, without even a second glance. He was in a state of complete and total shock. The instincts that had kept him going last night: allowed him to drive to the hospital, speak with the doctors, and somehow respond when spoken to…those instincts were gone.

Josh now felt like he was floating, no, falling and there was nothing he could do about it. There was no survival mode to kick in and get him through the next few hours of his life. There was no reference he could glean from past experiences to help him deal with the magnitude of this situation.

He passed the nursing station as he approached Donna's door and he saw the same kind woman who had first handed him Ava. He wondered if they thought he was crazy, he had just walked by them moments ago angry, bitter and sad but what a huge difference those few moments had made. He was still angry, but there was something else; for some reason, he had hope.

Tears stung Josh's eyes as he thought about the possibility of his dream family actually being his reality. The elevator ride with Leo had confirmed that the morning 7 ½ months ago in the lobby of his hotel had actually occurred and, more importantly, that means the night before was real as well. Josh and slept with Donna and every health class he had ever taken reminded him that it only takes one time.

Josh walked to her door and put his hand on the cold metal handle. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

The scene hadn't changed much from the few minutes previous. Will was still standing by her bedside, Donna was still sleeping although not very peacefully. Will looked shocked and Josh felt anger rising in him.

"Were you sleeping with her?" Josh's question was abrupt and right after he directed it at Will he tensed, not knowing if he wanted the answer. He felt so frayed that at this point those were the only words he could form coherently and he decided that it would be best to just get it over with.

Will was turning a bright shade of red and looking at the sleeping Donna as if to ask forgiveness for Josh's accusation as he answered "No. No, of course not!" Will began his denial in that particularly panicked way he had of saying things. His nervousness made Josh suspicious and to further his denial Will added, "She is just as likely to sleep with me as she is with you!"

Will meant the statement as a validation of his answer but it not surprisingly made Josh squirm.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He spat angrily at the confused Will.

"Nothing." Will said blankly quickly realizing that there was something going on here that he failed to see.

"So you're telling me that that's not your baby out there?" Josh was having trouble hiding the eagerness in his voice. He was gesticulating toward the door and in his mind toward the nursery.

Will continued to look horrified as his eyes bugged behind his glasses. "BABY? NO. No that is not my baby, a baby would involve sex and I already told you there was no sex!" Will had gone from nervous to adamant but still carried the panic in his voice.

"Right." Josh looked pale as he placed his hands on his knees and took in sharp breaths.

Will continued to observe the man for what felt like several minutes as Josh just inhaled and exhaled unevenly.

"Would you like me to get a nurse?" He asked hesitantly and began to move towards the door Josh was blocking with his backside.

"No, no I am fine thanks." Josh held up his arm and straightened so he could look Will in the eyes. "How did you find out about this?" He motioned towards Donna in the bed and swept his arm through the air indicating the hospital itself.

"I emailed her library address and got a really odd out of office response. When I called to check up on her they said she had been taken to the hospital and so I just thought I should come and see if she was ok."

"So you knew about the baby?" Josh was trying to fill in the blanks and ignore the pain he felt at hearing of Will and Donna's apparent relationship.

"Baby? Oh, right, a baby. No. I had no idea she was, um, expecting. We just emailed. I haven't seen her in months. Not sense we kicked her off the campaign bus for her frequent urination stops."

"Right…" Josh began.

"**about 7 ½ months ago"** both men finished the thought together.

Silence overtook the room as Josh tried to absorb the fact that Ava really could be his. Will stood by and just for comedy's sake tried to picture Donna with a huge belly and barefoot. He broke the silence a minute later with: "So, how did you hear about all this?"

"Emergency Contact". Josh answered distractedly.

"Ah, right of course." Will nodded and then looked over at Josh slightly confused. "So is it yours?"

The turn to panic now belonged solely to Josh who looked at Will and immediately put his hands on his knees and began the same sporadic breathing pattern as before.


	12. The no question

Josh was standing with his ass in the air to the door while Will looked on helplessly when all of a sudden it opened and popped him in the butt.

"Who the hell are you two?" A big black nurse entered the room and immediately both men stood up straighter, although Josh's backside was shouting in pain, and both attempted to answer.

"I'm just a friend" came Will's response while at the same time Josh fumbled for something to say. His garbled answer sounded something like "I'm her boss, old boss, we were friends."

It was so incoherent, not to mentionstated at the same time Will made his declaration so that the nurse felt compelled to ask him to repeat it.

"What did you say child?"

Josh felt odd being referred to in this manner and looked around the room to see if perhaps a child had indeed entered with the nurse. When he turned back around to face her she was watching him expectantly and didn't appear as if she was going to wait for an answer much longer. "I am a friend?"

His answer sounded more like a question but she let it go and continued to eyeball them both suspiciously. "Well which one of you two is going to help me change this poopy diaper your little girl has put out?"

Josh had been so distracted that he hadn't even noticed the nurse was caring Ava in her arms. He stared intently at the baby and felt his heart warm immediately to the girl.

The lack of response from either man was obviously getting to the nurse. "NOW you two ain't involved in one of those ridiculous paternity battles with this young blondey now are you? I swear! I been practicing nursing for 44 years and it is ALWAYS somebody coming in here with two man friends and months later I see 'em on some show fighting it out over "who's the daddy?"! They spend all this money on some fancy-smancy test when I could've told 'em right when I spotted 'em who's the daddy!"

This shouting broke Josh from his trance and he focused on the nurse for the first time since she began her rant. Will had simply been too dumbfounded to respond and now stood by as a victim of her assumptions.

"Like in this case right here" the woman paused for what might seem like dramatic effect as she studied the baby and both men in the room. "You the Daddy." The women turned toward Josh and pointed a fat finger right towards his chest.

"How" Josh cleared his throat stunned at the past few seconds and the trauma of hearing someone say this out loud. "How do you know?"

"Oh, there is no question!" The nurse exclaimed with convincing certainty. Will looked concerned and watched as Josh huddled over the baby and heard the nurse point out different parts of her anatomy that she could identify with Josh.

"You see these little curls in the back of her neck?" The nurse lifted up the delicate light brown curls that clung to Ava's skin. She then reached up and fingered the hair on the back of Josh's neck, "They come from right here." Josh's own hand followed hers and fingered his curls.

She then moved on to the ears that without a doubt had the same crooks and curves as Josh's own. She held up Josh's hand and showed him how his thumb was the same as Ava's as she stated:"Now mind you the fingers will look like her Mama's but the thumb? The thumb is always from the Daddy." The women spoke with such confidence and assurance that neither Will nor Josh suggested for even a second that the baby's thumb just looked like a thumb and the ear like an ear.

"I've saved the best part for last." The nurse's voice took on a whisper as if she were telling a secret. "Watch closely" she ordered as she moved the blanket from around Ava's neck and blew softly on her exposed skin. "You see that?" she asked as the baby squirmed in her arms. "You see that in her cheek?" Both men stared blankly first at Ava and then at the nurse. Exasperated she said "Now I am only going to do this one more time and you watch that cheek!" For a second time she blew gently onto Ava's neck and with a bit of astonishment and excitement in his voice Will stated: "A Dimple!"

"A dimple." Josh repeated the word in a hushed whisper and as he did tears poured over his cheeks and he looked at who he was now totally convinced was his little girl.

"I guess that means you have diaper duty." The nurse had in one split second gone back to her no nonsense routine and followed up with the comment that "All those damn TV shows don't know NOTHING about finding no Daddies."

She took Josh over to a crib in the room and led him through what he was convinced was the worst thing he had ever been involved in. "Is this tar?" he asked horrified at what the precious little girl had apparently emitted in her diaper.

"No, that is normal, she is likely to have one more just like it." The nurse's tone was one of brutal honesty.

"Well, lets hope Donna is awake for that one." Josh was trying to charm her seeing as how she was really doing most of the work and he wanted that trend to continue.

"Who?" The nurse asked disinterested. "Oh, you mean the Mommy?"

At hearing this title used to describe Donna, Josh went a little weak in the knees. He braced himself on the side of the plastic crib and shook his head.

"You going to be alright?" The nurse seemed to be at least partially, genuinely concerned.

Josh never got the chance to answer because Will was shouting from the bed,

"Um, guys, I think she is starting to wake up."


	13. The Truth

The nurse hoisted the baby into Josh's arms and she and Will rushed out of the room so fast that Josh felt a breeze as the door flew shut.

He now stood frozen at the foot of Donna's bed, watching as she indeed stirred and showed signs of waking up. He had never been so scared and so enraged in his entire life. After several seconds of her tossing her head back and forth and letting out deep sighs as if she was exhausted and invigorated all at once, Donna's eyes were suddenly open and staring straight at Josh.

He felt as though she had taken forever to awake and now that she was looking right at him he wanted nothing more for her to go back to sleep and leave him some time to understand. His eyes filled with tears as they held their stare and he realized that he just wanted to understand. He made an attempt to speak, opening his mouth and then closing it, realizing that he didn't even know how to begin. Finally, as he looked down and Ava and back up to Donna he was able to helplessly get out the one question that he felt **she** must answer for him:

"Is…is she mine?"

Donna began to cry as she brought her hand to cover her mouth and nodded to Josh.

"Yes." She stated apologetically and so quickly that he almost wasn't sure she'd said it.

"Why?" he asked. He looked so broken. He looked worse then anything she could have imagined, worse than when his father died, worse than the PTSD and worse than when she had awoken to see him in Germany, waiting by her bedside.

"Josh." She whispered his name pleading with her eyes for him to forgive her, for him to move closer and not stand there, rigid and angry and clutching their child. "Can I…can I see her again?" The pleading in Donna's voice was unbearable to Josh even as he stood there, hating her. Hating her and loving her all in the same second.

He looked down at the sleeping baby in his arms and for the longest time he didn't move. Donna watched with trepidation as Josh considered her request. Donna thought to herself that he had every right to keep Ava away from her, after all, hadn't she done the same thing to him for months? The scene before her was breaking her heart.

The room was silent save the sounds of Donna's crying and suddenly Josh interrupted Donna's sobs with one of his own and moved around the side of the bed to hand her the baby. Donna took the precious girl and looked from her face into Josh's, seeing there the same shape and undeniable dimple.

Josh was starring directly into Ava's small face but only seeing the likeness of her mother. The same sly mouth, the same light eyelashes and, oh, the beautiful alabaster skin. He felt Donna's eyes boring into him and he turned abruptly toward the door, feeling all to suddenly the need for fresh air, the need to get away.

"JOSH!" Donna's voice was sharp after all the silence and he paused, considering giving her a moment to explain. His anger, however, won and he turned quickly to face her, determined to say his peace and get out. For a second time in the few short minutes Donna had been awake, Josh's expression was completely foreign to her. Her breath caught in her throat as he glared at her with nothing short of hatred and rage.

"How could you do this me Donna?" He was shouting, but not yelling, his voice rose slightly at the end of his question, more accurately his accusation, and he flared his arms wildly as he spoke. He began pacing and couldn't look at her, she was thankful to not have his hateful expression turned on her as she began to speak.

"Josh, at first I didn't know…"

"YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS SOMEBODY ELSE'S?"

If not for the incredulousness and hurt in Josh's voice Donna might have laughed at his question. When had it ever been anyone else for her? How could he not think that even if they had never slept together he would be the first thought in her mind at the mention of a family, of a future, and of love? Even if she had slept with ten men in that same week (which for the record she hadn't) of course she didn't think that Ava was somebody else's.

"No, no I knew she was yours." Donna had answered the question quickly and honestly and it only served to make Josh more enraged if not somewhat relieved.

"How long?" He snarled as he quit pacing and glared menacingly toward the bed.

"How long what?" Donna answered his question with a question and if not for his hatred it might have seemed like banter.

"How long have you known?" Now he was gathering the facts, building a case.

"Over six months" she began tentatively "I went the doctor the day after the convention."

She heard him scoff as he resumed his pacing.

"How could you do this to me?" He sounded as if the shock portion of this revelation was finally starting to come to a head. "How could you seduce me, abandon me, and then deceive me for months on end? I don't believe it." He turned toward Donna, staring at her as if she was a stranger.

She felt helpless and chose to ignore his choice of wording, seduction and abandonment, and grasped for any excuse she could manager for what she knew to be an unforgivable action:

"Excuse me if her father was in the middle of a national election and didn't seem ready for a child, a possible scandal and an unavoidable clash from the conservative right for a child out of wedlock!"

Even as Donna was saying the words she knew it wasn't fair. She knew that while those motives were part of her decision, she mainly didn't tell Josh out of fear: fear of disproval, fear of rejection, fear that he would be disappointed in something she had wanted since she met him.

A confused and frustrated look came across his face as he processed her words. He slowly took a deep breath and rubbed his hands through his hair. Donna realized that for the first time since this nightmare began he must be considering the political ramifications of this event. She thought to herself that parenthood had already had a huge affect on him if politics was not his first concern.

"I never said that." He finally stated after a minute of silence. "You never gave me the chance to."

"It's not like you came trying to find me." Even if she deserved it, Donna wasn't about to let this turn into a one sided fight. Months of exhaustion and anger came pouring forth as she delivered her response bitterly. She realized that she had been angry with Josh for not being there for her when he didn't even know she needed him. She began to cry even harder, not sure if it was the medication or the hormones or just the unpleasant situation.

Josh was caught off guard by her tone and the subsequent tears. He moved as if he was going to console her, but instead stopped short and matched her bitterness:

"I wasn't the one who left. I wasn't the one who a BABY to consider."

"I did the best I could, Josh." She was dejected and exhausted but he wouldn't stop.

"The best you could? Do you really believe that? You chose to move away from me, avoid me, and put her life in danger by caring boxes at a library job?"

She felt her emotions switch from sorrow and shame to anger and defensiveness in a second flat. She may not have told the truth to the father of her child but she sure as hell wasn't going to lie there and let him make her out to be some kind of irresponsible mother.

"Screw you, Josh, you don't know the first thing about what would put her endanger, _**I** _read the books, **_I_ **went to the classes and the doctor appointments and **_I_ **baby proofed my apartment! Don't you come in hear and pretend to know what is best."

"Right." He began smugly, "Lies are best. Secrets are best. Emailing Will is best!"

With the mention of Will's name Donna realized that nothing she could ever say would make up for what she had done. She realized that Josh was going to continue to hatefully highlight every mistake she had made unless she could find someway to get through to him.

She opened her mouth to speak, searching for anything she could say or do to make him realize she was wrong when Ava beat her to the punch.

A small but loud snort/hiccup escaped from the now stirring baby. Alarmed, Donna looked down to the bundle in her arms as Josh simultaneously rushed to the bedside to study her face.

"What was that?" He asked, worry evident in his tone.

"I think it was a hiccup" Donna said hesitantly.

"You think or you know?" Josh asked, now looking up from their daughter and into Donna's eyes, searching for reassurance. "Should I get the nurse?"

"She looks fine." Donna started, "but maybe you should just in case."

"I'll be right back." Josh said, now a man on a mission. He brought his hand up to Donna's arm and as he squeezed it reassuringly he said: "You sit tight."

He was out the door and screaming for a nurse seconds later.


	14. The mothers

Josh jogged the short distance to where his nurse friends were sitting at the main station tending to a visiting guest. He locked eyes with Abigail, the black nurse that pronounced him the Daddy, and with no regard for anyone else in the room, made his announcement.

"MY BABY JUST MADE A NOISE."

Various gaffs and golf claps erupted from the few nurses who were already planning on nominating Josh for the most neurotic Dad but no reaction could have matched the one that came from the guest they were assisting.

"What the hell do you mean _your_ baby?"

Josh immediately ceased leaning into the counter and slowly turned his wide and fearful eyes towards none other then Mrs. Moss, fresh off the flight from Wisconsin.

"Mrs. Moss…I…didn't see you there. So glad you could make it."

Josh's sentiments sounded somewhere between sick and downright girly.

The two nurses behind the counter opposite Josh immediately snapped their heads down to the charts in their hands and pretended to make notes. The one at the whiteboard suddenly became very interested in her wristwatch and the two that were to Mrs. Moss's right began silently comparing lanyards. The point is that the hush that fell over these women in anticipation of what they considered a better plotline than most daytime soaps was palpable.

Mrs. Moss was staring at Josh with an expression he unfortunately was quite accustomed to. Whether it was CJ, Leo, Matt Santos, Helen or Lou, Josh was well aware of the "you owe me an answer and I want to hear it five seconds ago" look.

The group mentioned above could be pretty intimidating and Josh had done a lot to piss them off, but he was pretty certain that none of their looks compared with Mrs. Moss'

She was beautiful woman, looking like Donna but missing the glow of innocence that Josh had often admired about Donna. Mrs. Moss had a tougher look, like she hadn't gotten to the age she was without knocking a few heads together.

Josh had no idea what he was going to say next and as he took a deep breath to start babbling something he had yet to formulate when Mrs. Moss beat him to the punch.

She began dryly: "I am pleased to be here myself. I was looking forward to meeting my granddaughter and her father but apparently I am already accustomed to one of the two. I knew that she avoided the subject of her baby's father but never ONCE did she let on that it was her boss. Gee, I wonder why Donna would hide that from me? I wonder why Donna wouldn't want her mother to know that the slave driver knocked her up? Why would that be Josh?"

Josh physically flinched at the word slave driver and felt his face flush when the seemingly streetwise Mrs. Moss used the term knocked up. He felt his eyes begin to water and heard himself answer in a small voice:

"I don't know." He was looking down, ashamed and embarrassed and he could feel all 6 pairs of eyes boring into him.

Mrs. Moss regarded him silently for a moment. For most of her brief acquaintance with Josh she had considered him arrogant and controlling. The Josh before her now was repentant and humbled. She felt the air was thick and heavy and sad.

The silence was interrupted by a baby's cry somewhere down the hall. The beautiful sound awakened Mrs. Moss and she remembered why she had come. Today was to be a joyous day, a birthday. She straightened her shoulders and turning towards Josh said with all the kindness and forgiveness she could muster:

"Well…let me see this BABY!"

Josh looked up from the counter to see Mrs. Moss' eyes shining brightly and her expression full of excitement. It was immediately infections and everyone from Josh to the nurse at the white board were grinning ear to ear.

He pivoted on the ball of his foot and proudly said, "Allow me to show you the way!"

He and Mrs. Moss took off down the hallway with Josh saying how beautiful and tiny Ava was and how he thinks she might look a little like her. (because he has always been a kiss butt)

They reached the room and opened the door to see Donna cooing softly to the baby. She looked up and as soon she saw her mother, she burst into loud sobs. Josh looked to Mrs. Moss, horrified.

"It's ok honey." Mrs. Moss began and Josh realized she was talking to him. "It's just the hormones."

He nodded slightly and followed her tentatively into the room. Mrs. Moss wrapped her arms around Donna encompassing the baby as she did. She too began to weep and for about five minuets straight the two of them rocked and cried and held one another.

Josh felt extremely uncomfortable and yet wished more than anything that he could share in the embrace. It occurred to him as he watched this extreme showing of love and understanding that he was going to need to tell his mom. That alone was enough to make him hyperventilate. Throw in the fact that he is the campaign manager for the Democratic Presidential nominee and Josh thought he might actually pass out.

He excused himself from the room (not that Donna and her mother even noticed) and found the chairs in the hallway reserved for those who freak out in hospitals. You know, the ones who have to leave whenever the nurses come in; the ones who turn sheet white at the mention of changing bandages, taking blood, or running tests.

He sat alone, in the "freak out chairs" and ran his fingers through his hair. "I need a plan" he thought. But first I just need my mom.

Josh wiped out his cell phone and called his mom, the good thing being that if he could tell her, maybe he could figure out how to tell everyone else:

"Mom"…he began, his voice catching in his throat, "I have some news."


	15. The Acceptance

His mother had been concerned from the moment she heard his voice.

"Is everything alright dear? Are you ok?"

He hadn't planned on sounding so distraught but after the emotions of the day he wasn't sure how he could have concealed the rawness in his voice. Her concern, although he didn't anticipate it, ended up working to his advantage as he found breaking the news wasn't as difficult when he heard her voice laden with compassion.

"I have some news." He had begun the story from the beginning and the whole thing, thanks to that fact that he missed much of the middle, was over in less than two minutes.

When he was done she simply took a breath and said:

"Well, so she had your baby? That is amazing, Josh, and from now on, it is not about what she did or didn't do but it is about your child; She gave you a child."

Her voice was almost admonishing him as if she knew every argument he could make to the contrary and already had the answer for it. Josh wondered how mothers got so much wisdom. Was it in the books they read or the shows they watched? How is it that they can always say just the right thing? His appreciation of his own mother quickly turned his thoughts to Donna. She was now one of those wise mothers. He suddenly couldn't hold it together any longer.

Mrs. Lyman listened and soothed her son as he wept all alone in the hallway of a hospital far away from her. He listened and nodded as her calm and steady voice encouraged him to see this situation as a blessing.

He was relieved to say the least. He was relieved to hear her voice and although he didn't really understand why, he was relieved that she seemed to be asking him to forgive Donna. He supposed he was pleased to have permission from someone to get over the offense and embrace what was important.

Her heart was breaking for him and when she heard his sniffles quite on the other end of the line she asked him:

"Do you still love her Josh?"

The question's directness was not lost on Josh. She didn't ask him if he thought he could love her, or if he had ever loved her, she got right to the point of if he _STILL_ loved her.

Still loved her after eight years of beating around the bush? Still loved her after medical scares and psychological scares and scars that reminded him of both? Still loved her after she left him the first time and then the second? Still loved her even though he had spent the past months awake and ill thinking of her and how she was doing, and now knowing exactly what she was doing and keeping from him? Did he still love her after all that?

The answer was surprisingly simple for him.

"Yes." The answer came out as a heavy and cleansing breath. He still loved her after all that.

"Well, my son, you are a very lucky man. Not everyone has the fortune of being in love with the mother of their child."

Josh smiled at his mother's crazy way of looking at things. He wondered if she was just delusional from the joy she must be feeling at having a grandchild. He was almost convinced if he had told her that a crack whore had just delivered his baby that she would have found a way to make peace with it.

"I want to come out there and see you." She began hesitantly, her joy beginning to come through fully for the first time. "I want to see all of you." He could hear the smile in her voice.

"Yeah, you should call and get a flight out here as soon as possible, Mom. I would really love to see you too."

Josh felt so much better when he ended the call that he almost couldn't believe it. His mom was a grandmother, which fulfilled his obligation to fulfill her seemingly lifelong dream, and he was a father. The idea was so foreign to him that he almost felt he should call Toby for an explanation. Did Ava have a hat on? He could barely remember now as he pictured the beautiful face of HIS little girl.

Josh put his head back against the wall behind him and took several deep breaths. He looked down to his blackberry and saw he had more than a few missed calls. He thought he should perhaps check in with the team and was going to call Lou when he noticed Abigail at the nursing station directing a middle aged delivery man with a large bundle of balloons his way. She was pointing and repeating his name so Josh stood reluctantly and gave a small wave as the man began to approach.

"Are you Mr. Lyman?"

"Yeah." Josh answered skeptically.

"These are for you." The man thrust the conglomeration of congratulatory millar balloons at Josh's face who accepted with a perplexed "Thanks."

"No problem and Congratulations." The man answered matter-of-factly and turned to proceed down the hall.

Josh examined the balloons, a myriad of pinks and yellows with diaper pins and baby ducks all screaming different message about a new baby. As he fingered the card, Josh realized they were from Matt and Helen:

"Leo couldn't quit beaming, we couldn't quit asking what was up. We finally got it out of him, Congrats and take as long as you need."

Josh shook his head in disbelief. He was going to have to kick the Congressman's butt for celebrating this "political scandal" and acting as if Josh's actions wouldn't come back to haunt them all. Mostly he was concerned with the lines "take as long as you need" as if the Santos campaign could survive without him. Josh sighed and stuck the card in his pocket, telling himself he would have to go check-in later that night. He grinned at the idea of picking up cigars and smoking them in the HQ. If Matt knew, that meant Lou knew and they were working on the statement. For once he let the politics go and thinking of his mom's words just a moment ago, Josh knew that this moment was all about his daughter. It was all about Ava.


	16. The finale

He wasn't sure how long he had been in the hallway. He was sure that he had never sobbed quite so much in his life and that if he didn't get some kleenex soon it wasn't going to be pretty. He turned, still clutching the balloons, away from the nurses' station and did that gross snot sniffing thing that guys are prone to do. He wiped his face and was thankful to have the delivery as an icebreaker as he went back to Donna's room. His greatest wish was that balloons and hormones did not mix negatively.

He opened the door slowly, leading with the balloons and popping his head in before the rest of his body committed to coming in. He must of looked kinda silly because Donna and her Mother both started to grin, then giggle, then were downright cracking up. Josh felt this was better than crying (although possibly equally as scary) so he came the rest of the way in and announced: "Someone sent balloons."

"Did you read the card?" The women asked in unison.

"Yeah, of course" Josh was pleased he could give an answer but delivered it sheepishly, "It was the Santos'…they sent balloons."

Donna's face went pale and she immediately looked ashamed and apologetic. "Josh" she began to plead.

"Shhhhh". He stopped her before she was able to get the "I am sorry" out. His mother's words echoed in his mind and he repeated them to Donna: "Ava is all that matters right now." He meant it too.

The room went silent as Donna and her mother stared at Josh. He held his breath in anticipation of what would come next. Never in a million years would he have guessed that it would be Mrs. Moss crossing the room to plant a kiss on his cheek and to hug him like a son. Josh clumsily juggled the balloons and the unexpected affection of his former critic. When she pulled back she said in what Josh felt was only a slightly patronizing tone: "Here, let me take those."

Free from the balloons Josh moved to the bed where Donna still cradled Ava in her arms. "How's our girl?" he whispered lovingly to Donna.

"She looks mighty fine to me." Josh grinned at Donna's somewhat off the wall response and was just about to ask to hold her when another nurse entered the room.

"Time for mom to get more rest." The nurse looked pointblank at Donna, and Josh marveled at the no nonsense tone that these nurse must be specially trained to possess.

With the baby lifted from the room Josh felt the familiar awkwardness between he and Donna return. Mrs. Moss' presence was also not helping. He was at a loss for what to say or do when suddenly Donna announced:

"Well, I am starving."

Like a man on a mission Josh bolted down the hall and to the nearest vending machine he could find at which to vend. Annoyed that peanut m&m's weren't available (as they were Donna's favorite) he stood frozen looking at the other available options. As he stared intently through glass he saw Mrs. Moss reflection behind him.

"You seem to have made you peace with all this Josh." She began with a twinge of curiosity in her voice.

Not looking back at her, Josh threw over his shoulder: "I had a little talk with my mom." His response came off in truest Lyman form: cocky, smart and darn right cute.

Mrs. Moss smiled and said knowingly "I can see how you were able to charm her."

"My mom?" Josh asked out of his instinct to deflect this tricky subject with comedy.

"My daughter Josh." Mrs. Moss answered not at all fooled by his attempt.

Josh started to laugh, nervously, and retorted, "Mrs. Moss, I can assure you of one thing…I have never charmed your daughter."

"Call it what you want, Josh, but since the moment she left Wisconsin it has been you, and only you, that drove her crazy enough to call home and unload. All these years I was blaming you for keeping my daughter away from me but the truth is, you were the one subject she was confused enough to call and talk to me about. Without you in her life, I may have never heard from her!"

"Huh." Josh took in this information as if he didn't quite know how to process it.

"What I am saying" she continued, "is that it sounds like your Mom is a smart lady and it sounds as if she told you to go after what would be important in your life…your daughter, right?"

She paused very briefly and looked for confirmation from Josh who sort of nodded along. She took a breath as if to gather her courage and continued.

"but I just want you to know that as a mother I would like to recommend you go ahead and go after my daughter as well because for these last few years you must have known that it was you who was most important in her life."

Josh was struck in that moment at how Mrs. Moss' rambling over the last 30 seconds had a very familiar feel to it. Everything from the sound of her voice to the way she was wringing her hands and looking at him so expectantly made him feel very warm inside and reminded him so overwhelmingly of Donna that he almost wanted to kiss her, or at least hug her really hard.

He had always wanted to kiss Donna each time she ever ranted at him, or looked at him expectantly, or argued with him annoyingly. He pondered what all that meant and came to the only conclusion that the past nine years could mean.

Josh looked at Mrs. Moss and smiled. "It was always her for me too Mrs. Moss."

"I know." She answered honestly.

"I am sorry I didn't always act that way, but it has always been her for me too." The guilty Josh began to show its head but Mrs. Moss would have none of it. Opting for Josh's typical humor deflection, Mrs. Moss smirked and said:

"Well don't tell me….TELL HER!"

Josh grabbed the pretzels out of the machine and sprinted towards Donna's hospital room.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later Mrs. Moss knocked lightly and let herself into the room. Josh and Donna were now sharing the twin size hospital bed with Ava laying silently between them. Their faces were both tear streaked and they both looked exhausted but the important thing is that they looked together.

Mrs. Moss was carrying a tray from the cafeteria. She knew pretzels were not going to tide Donna over and she suspected that Josh could use a milkshake at a time like this.

She brought the food over to the smiling couple and stated with pride "Now that look likes a family."

"Aw, thanks Mom!" Josh exclaimed in his own snarky way.

The room got quite as Mrs. Moss got very pale. Donna started to crack up and he asked "too soon?"

"Too soon!" she agreed. "Maybe _after_ we set the date!

Josh reached over and took Donna's hand and in a softer tone and with a head nod toward Ava he said "Ok, sounds good to me…Mom."

The End.


End file.
